Anyway, about November of last year I was moved to do research on NPD and narcissism in general for personal reasons, related to relationships in this life. From internet and print sources I have amassed a fair amount of knowledge about it, as well as had some very liberating personal revelations. So I'd like to share the gist of what I learned, particularly about how to spot and deal with narcissists. I think everyone can benefit from getting better at that, thus more effectively keeping these people out of their circles of friends, organizations, beds, etc. Full-blown narcissists wreak havoc wherever they go, destroying lives, reputations, families, organizations, plans, etc. They'll distort your whole reality, if you let them. And in my experience they are fairly common. But it's a stealth disease; one of its attributes is the ability to create false impressions of normalcy, charm, likability, friendship and, yes, love. And I think it can be particularly problematic in reincarnation communities, where we are all struggling to unearth difficult-to-unearth truths and the temptation to claim fame is there. When revolucion_bohemia asked what we wish we could go back and tell our new-to-reincarnation selves, and I said I wish I'd known who the fakes were and who the real people were, I learned soon I was not alone. I offer this in the hope it will help.

The first thing to understand is that all personality disorders are extreme versions of normal human tendencies. Sometimes we all feel a little callous and trample on someone's rights - the extreme of which is Antisocial Personality Disorder. Sometimes we're all down on ourselves and clingy - Borderline Personality Disorder. And sometimes we all try to make ourselves look a little better than we are by exaggerating an accomplishment, making excuses or blaming someone else …NPD.

What that means is that there is a continuum from normal/average to full-blown NPD, with a middle area in which a person can be said to have narcissistic traits. This is important to remember when determining whether someone is a narcissist or not. If they don't apparently have all the hallmarks, they might still be one; if they have some of the traits, they still might not be.

The key dividing line is whether they are aware they have narcissistic traits--whether they are capable of self-reflection on their actions and the effects they have on others. In other words, whether they are willing to be accountable: to apologize if they've hurt someone, make recompense, wish for forgiveness, and genuinely resolve not to hurt others again. Full-blown narcissists can't do these things sincerely, because they don't even have enough awareness of other people to genuinely know they've hurt someone. This is the crucial test.

So let's look at the other narcissist traits according to DSM4:

3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes [Or, as the late writer on narcissism Joanna Ashmun put it, "They treat other people like dirt."]

All these criteria are behaviours. To really understand the narcissist you have to understand the logic of the worldview which motivates these behaviours. It's basically this: for whatever reason, their central deeply-held belief is that they totally suck as people, don't count for anything, are insignificant. This may defy logic when they're haughty, believe they're special, etc., but that's because of the strategy they've taken to overcome their own feelings of inferiority. Basically what they do is completely bury that negative self-image, convince themselves they are superior as an overcompensation, and try to convince everyone else so as to have that false self-image confirmed. Feedback from other people that they truly are superior is referred to as "narcissistic supply" and it is absolutely addictive to them ("worse than heroin," one narcissist confessed) so that they will do anything to get it. Obtaining narcissistic supply—admiration, other peoples’ belief they are important, attention—is the overall driving force in their lives. An example: one narcissistic young man, when his girlfriend committed suicide, was happy because her death was proof of his significance.

Because their true self is so completely buried, they cannot be part of normal human social give-and-take; hence the lack of empathy, the willingness to use others, and the lack of understanding why they shouldn’t lie. They are so cut off from others that others don’t really exist for them in a meaningful way. In organizations, they cannot be team players; instead it’s their way or the highway, and they will try to seize positions of leadership without taking responsibility, causing chaos. In relationships, when the other person most needs support they will become angry because attention is being diverted away from them, and they have no capacity for giving. They don’t form true attachments to other people, but rather see them only as sources of narcissistic supply, so that a former friend or lover can be stunned by how completely a narcissist drops them when he or she figures out they are no longer a source of narcissistic supply. They don’t want friends or lovers, they want minions; scratch a cult leader and you’ll find a narcissist.

They cannot tolerate criticism at all but see it rather as a personal attack, as it threatens their fake self-image of perfection. Because they want to think of themselves as perfect, they blame all problems on other people or circumstances, never recognizing their own hand in their own fate. They are also extremely competitive, wanting always to be superior and envied, and envying those who have greater status than they do. Because they are not part of the normal give and take, they don’t see why they should do a good job of anything, or honour commitments. They feel rules and “normalcy” are beneath them. Thus they tend to be disorganized and bad at planning, especially when it involves other people. Narcissists are not just liars, but thieves, stealing the ideas and behaviours and accomplishments of other people around them so as to refine their false persona and look good in ways they cannot themselves generate. They are excellent actors, collecting and using lines and mannerisms they've learned from other people to craft the false impression of normalcy.

In close relationships, narcissists will often become abusive after a honeymoon stage. This is because they need not only narcissistic supply, but to project their own negative self-image onto someone else and take out their copious anger. Whatever vices a narcissist has, you will find yourself accused of. They will even work to destroy your reputation by spreading lies about you to others--even authorities--and because they genuinely believe their own b.s., they can be very convincing.

Here are some warning signs:

1) Dominating conversations at social events. Narcissists can’t resist seizing and holding everyone’s attention. Lack of interest in other’s points of view. Even if they do seem to be listening, you feel they are controlling the conversation.
2) Charm that seems superficial. Superficial emotions in general. A sense that you never really know what the person is thinking.
3) Finding yourself feeling you have to walk on eggshells all the time, or never say anything that could be remotely taken as critical to the person.
4) Personal attacks against you if you do, as they feel you have personally attacked them, even with a fair and constructive criticism.
5) Occasional but consistent behaviour that baffles you, because it seems uncharacteristically selfish or mean. The truth may be that the nice exterior is fake and the selfishness is actually characteristic. (This quote applies: "A person who is nice to you but not to the waiter is not a nice person."
6) You find the relationship is all one-way, with them doing all the taking and you doing all the giving.
7) Inability to own up to hurtful behaviour; no apologies, non-apologies ("I'm sorry you took it that way"), or apologies that are accompanied by justifications.
8) Lies and misrepresentations that make them seem more impressive or important than they are.
9) Stealing credit.
10) Half-assed work despite apparently excellent qualifications.
11) Attempts to control you through unasked-for advice or even help/“therapy.”
12) Victim mentality: implausible claims they’ve been abused, or claiming they’ve suffered worse than anyone else, as an excuse for demanding attention or special treatment.
13) Subtle shifting of blame onto someone else.
14) A feeling that you are being honoured as a special person by their deigning to give you their attention.
15) Patronization, disdain and contempt.
16) Obsession with status.
17) If you do something to help them, their gratitude seems superficial; if you do something impressive, their praise seems superficial if they give it at all. Lack of acknowledgement of others' contributions.
18) Tension in the air. Because narcissists are never comfortable with themselves, they are never relaxed and at peace. That tension can seem exciting and attractive… watch out.
19) Drama. Whether it’s to attract attention, garner sympathy or both, they are the original drama queens.
20) Jealousy. They want all your attention. If you are in a close relationship, they will drive, or get you to drive, your other friends and even family away.
21) Manipulation. They aren't prepared for a "no" if they ask for something directly, so they will threaten, guilt-trip, ingratiate, seduce, etc. so to try to force you into it instead.

From all this we can extrapolate--or recognize--a narcissist’s behaviour when they’re claiming a famous past life:

1) They demand you believe it without substantiation, not seeing why that is necessary.
2) They claim special treatment and or authority in this life due to the FPL.
3) They seek fans and worshippers, rewarding servile devotion with magnanimous attention.
4) They lash out if you express skepticism.
5) They idealize the past life, pretending the past self had no faults.
6) They use the FPL as their Internet persona, and seem to lack a life centred on the present.
7) They derive no healing benefit or greater self-understanding from exploring the FPL. (The reincarnation version of doing half-assed work.)
8) They are not interested in others’ stories or views, or reincarnation-related topics that aren’t about them. Their forum posts invariably start and then continue, sometimes ad nauseam, with “I.”
9) Their claims increase in impressiveness, e.g. they add more or more famous past lives, as the novelty of receiving narcissistic supply through each one wears off. Ultimately they might claim to have been deities.
10) They don’t struggle with accepting the FPL is real (since it isn't), so you don’t see self-doubt, avoidance, reincarnation hibernations or other signs of that.
11) They have ambitions of books or movies about them and their FPLs, with other people doing all the work.
12) They try to blend in with people whose FPLs are generally accepted as true as they feel that will give them credibility.
13) When you look carefully at their communications, you realize it all comes down to being about them, and about attention.
14) Their memories will lack richness, depth, character flaws and moral ambiguities. Their FPL selves will seem like wooden characters in novels.
15) They'll steal other people's memories to make theirs look richer and deeper.

So, you say, all well and good... but now I know so-and-so is a narcissist, what do I do about it? Again based on my research and experience with narcissists (I've had some very close to me), some tips. Note: these apply to narcissists on the other side of the dividing line of self-awareness. If they are aware they have narcissistic tendencies, you can reason with them and maybe help. But for those who don't:

1) Don't try to argue them out of it by logic. You might as well talk to a wall.
2) Force of character won't do it either. Their motivation to keep being narcissists is much stronger than yours to cure them.
3) Keep them at a distance; the closer they get to you, the more they can hurt you. Never count on them for anything, as they are not reliable. That way they can never disappoint you.
4) If you realize you are in a close relationship with one, don't try to change them by the force of your love or compassion; because they relate to the world through their false persona, love and compassion for their true selves will not touch them. Don't try moral suasion either; again, you might as well talk to a wall.
5) Instead, distance yourself from them. Often they will attack so as to try to keep you under their sway. Grit your teeth, don't engage, don't argue (that's giving them narcissistic supply) and keep to your plan. If you have to, seek support from others. Have patience: as soon as they realize you really will notbe a source of narcissistic supply for them again, they'll vanish completely from your life.
6) If you are or have been in a love relationship with one, go to this site and make good use of the info there. To recover and regain your self-esteem, you may need professional help.
7) On a forum, don't engage with them. It's like feeding the trolls. Report them to mods if they get abusive.
8) The absolute best defense against narcissists: HAVE SOLID, HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM. If you do your natural social instincts will protect you.